Luna Lupus: Diary #1

segunda-feira, 15 de fevereiro de 2016

Diary #1

Dear diary,

I'm writing you for the very first time and I will write you every single day from now... I really need to talk to someone but at the same time I actually don't wanna talk to anyone... I don't know... It's hard to explain. I'm afraid to trust on people again. I'm afraid to cling me to someone and then hurt myself again.
I truly believe that the problem is only mine. I always had problems with people... It started when I was only a 6 years old girl and the other kids were very mean to me. They swore at me, they laughed about me and they even hit me with football balls at the Physical Education class.
During my whole life I trusted on wrong people, but the good part is that I got some friends.
Last year I started talking again with an old friend, someone who I sent away of my life due to some problems we had... well, I was a bitch to her and now there's not one only day that I don't regret about what I did... I left her when she was not okay... but when we started to talk again, things got different. We turned very close and we fell in love. We started dating at December, 30th, 2014. It was the best 9 months of my life. In my whole life I was always been insecure I always felt alone, misunderstood, I always hated myself so much... but during those 9 months she changed everything. She gave me something that I never had: love, affection and safety... and for 9 months I was happy. I stopped hating myself. I was happy to be alive. She was everything to me, she is everything to me. But I did something horrible: I had hurt her... I never could go to her city... her city is far from my village... My parents didn't wanted to let me go and I couldn't go alone... I never told to my family about us... I wanted to tell them when we had a strong relationship... when we had 1 year. She asked me to talk before... I would do that but my family is truly homophobic... and my dad is able to throw me out of the house... Damn I'm 17 years old... I have no work, I have no own home I don't even have the 12th grade completed! I told her that I would tell but every time I tried, something happened... Friends told me to assume to my family only when I had my life organized so I did that. I never was good to show how much I love her by attitudes because I'm too nervous... She broke up with my in October, 4, 2015 and after that a lot of horrible things started to happen in my life, including a car accident, my animals dying, some of friends leaving me, problems at home, and I could'nt get over our separation... Damn... it was too much for me... I got in depression.
We maintained friends for some time but then... things got really bad... she told me so horrible things... I think I deserve... she's hurt with me but... nobody should never read the person she loves telling her that she doesn't deserve anyone's love... nobody should ever read the person she loves telling her that she's a shitty whore and other things... and now she decided to sent me away from her life... and omg I can't get over it... She told me that I never loved her and I played with her but this is not true... I'm still crying... I can't stop crying... She gave me everything and then she left ungrounded...! And now I just want to die... I hate myself so fucking much! I'm feeling completly destroyed and I think I will never be able to date and truly trust in someone again... I started to think again about cuts... I don't wanna do that. I don't do that since 2 years I guess, but when I'm alone, when I'm angry, really angry with myself... I start thinking that I deserve pain, that I should to feel physical pain to forget about the emocional pain that is too strong to handle... I think that I should die... I don't even tell to my psychologist what's really going on... I never told her the things my ex told me... I don't wanna people thinks that she's a bad person because she isn't... she's hurt... I never wanted to hurt her... I always tried to be the best girlfriend but I never was. And I'm so fucking angry with myself and I hate me so much...! So, now, I still send her messages asking her to back... I just wanna talk with her, I'm not asking her to be my girlfriend again... but she doesn't want... I'm so broken and lost and my whole life is falling in front of me.. My school grades fell... I'm having anxiety and panic attacks... I actually went to the hospital once, doctors want to give me medication to keep me calm but I don't want it...
The only thing I want, Is to be happy again...

So, this was a little summary of what's going on in my heart now... I will write you everyday, talking about how was my day, because I think I will freak out at some moment If I don't talk to anyone and at the same time I don't wanna do that... so... that's it...

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